


somber boy's sad song

by wildlings (candybank)



Category: GOT7
Genre: M/M, idk what this is its just jb sad hours or whatevr idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:35:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21758422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/candybank/pseuds/wildlings
Summary: he looks at jinyoung, at youngjae, and thinks he made them up inside his head.
Relationships: Choi Youngjae/Im Jaebum | JB, Choi Youngjae/Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung, Choi Youngjae/Park Jinyoung, Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung
Comments: 3
Kudos: 17





	somber boy's sad song

**Author's Note:**

> honestly i just thought 2jae chainsmoking would be hot

> **_god topples from the sky, hell's fires fade  
>  _ **

the fire escape is no place to be on a snowy december night, but jaebum sits on the edge anyway. feet dangling twelve floors off the ground, the charred end of his cigarette breaking into a million pieces and fluttering down onto the sidewalk like snow. bitter, cold, gray snow. he watches as little pieces of white fall from the sky. they cover the city, every rooftop and car and lamp post, but still they continue to fall. like this, it seems almost endless. like this—

"hey." the door swings open. jaebum doesn't have to look to see who it is. he puts the cigarette back in his mouth, if only so he has an excuse not to say anything back.

and this familiar man, this too-familiar voice, he stands beside jaebum as if jaebum told him to come over, hey, yeah come over, the water's fine, jump right in.

jaebum coughs, all phlegm and bones, sounding as if he's about to puke out his ribs.

"you okay?"

jaebum puts the cigarette back in his mouth. he hears some shuffling, some metal. then, "do you have a light? i'm out."

he's reaching for the lighter in his pocket before he can even think, pulling out a little orange thing made of plastic. he hates himself as soon as he hands it over. fingers brushing, cheeks blushing. suddenly, jaebum feels hot and cold. he tells himself it's wind chill. he sucks hard on his cigarette, cheeks hollowing so deep that his teeth press against the sides of his mouth, puts all the poison in his body, pretends it's a tailpipe and all he needs is another rush of co2 straight to the brain to finally drop dead.

he thinks he should have loved a thunderbird instead; at least when spring comes they roar back again.

"fuck," youngjae exhales. jaebum barely hears it over his lungs trying to leave his body through his throat, but he hears it. and so, throat raw, he sucks on his cigarette again.

the metal landing clings and clangs as youngjae settles into the space beside jaebum. jaebum bites his cracked bottom lip and peels the skin back. "can't," youngjae says with some difficulty, handing back the lighter. "do you mind?" he says, nodding towards the cigarette in jaebum's hand.

jaebum has half a mind to let it go so it'll drop to the ground, so he won't have anything in his hand, so youngjae won't be asking for anything, so youngjae won't have a reason to even look at him. he thinks of crushing it in his hand. never mind the pain. he thinks of throwing it a million miles away like a baseball so it'll land on some truck filled with gasoline and burn half the city down, thinks of putting it in his mouth and swallowing it and if he's lucky it'll go down the wrong hole and kill his lungs for good.

"sure," he says, hands over the cigarette. youngjae takes it from him.

unceremonious. jaebum wants to kiss him.

he wraps his arms around himself, and he should be shivering under the single layer of protection he has on, but the burning in the pit of his stomach keeps him warm. slowly, he feels as if his body is being set on fire, and soon enough, he's ablaze. lighting up half the street, visible all the way from space. but when he looks at his hand, his skin is pale and dry. he chews on his lip, pulling too hard on a loose piece of skin.

"ow, fuck—" 

youngjae looks over, worry lines stretching across his forehead, "your lip's bleeding."

"suck on it then," jaebum says sarcastically.

youngjae crosses the distance between them and kisses him.

taken aback, not pulling away. jaebum stays completely still. he lets himself melt into the warmth of youngjae's mouth.

lets youngjae swallow him whole, lets youngjae eat all the flesh off of his bones.

it's not long before jaebum is pressing forward, aggressively pushing his tongue past youngjae's teeth, grabbing at the sleeves of youngjae's shirt. mewling into his mouth, like he's begging for something, like he wants something. discontent, greedy. this is a mistake. miscalculated, stupid. jaebum kisses him hard, until he feels as if he did swallow that last inch of cigarette. he wants to throw himself off of the railing. as if youngjae can read his mind, he grabs jaebum's arm.

his hand trails down, down, until he's holding jaebum's hand. there's the cold metal, shivering skin. youngjae brings jaebum's hand up and kisses the silver band around his ring finger.

the blood on his lip transfers onto the ring.

out of place, timing all wrong, but youngjae takes a long drag off of their cigarette and then carefully places it back between jaebum's lips. 

"jinyoung loves you," youngjae tells him. out of place, timing all wrong.

it's a while before jaebum speaks. so much time passes between the words that his mouth goes numb, and when he opens his mouth to speak, the cigarette falls loose from his lips. the lit end of it drops onto the back of his hand before ricocheting and disappearing into gravity.

"ow—"

before jaebum can speak, youngjae has brought the little inch of burnt skin to his mouth and kissed it. he kisses it, then again. looks up at jaebum as the tip of his tongue darts out to lick the wound. he presses his lips against it gently again. jaebum swallows thickly, tears forming in his eyes. youngjae kisses his hand again.

"and you?" he says, tears dry before they can fall.

youngjae puts jaebum's hand down, "and me?" he says, "jinyoung loves me too."

"he can't... h-he can't _love_ two people," jaebum says, too bitter, the words not entirely his own. still he tries to string them together like old, borrowed leather. and he's cold. fuck, he's cold.

he thinks maybe he can string the words together into a sweater.

(how, jaebum types into the google search bar of his brain — highlighted in blue come the search predictions: how to make smoke rings vape, how to remove cat hair from cashmere pants, how many servings in large honey butter chips, how to sleep with eyes open — to (make smoke rings cigarette, make smoke rings with cold air) knit a sweater using (straight needles, wool, crochet) cigarette (foil) smoke (bubble, rings) and (at this point, google gives up on him) sadness.)

"why not?" youngjae asks, his openness so shocking to jaebum that it forces his cheeks flushed. "you do, don't you?

you love jinyoung. and you love me. and you love your classmate and you love that handsome med rep that comes to jinyoung's office every thursday."

"i was drunk when i told you that," jaebum looks to the side as an admission of guilt.

youngjae laughs.

"and when have you ever lied, jaebum?"

jaebum stares at a rusty inch of metal and refuses to blink.

"jinyoung didn't lie to you either—"

" _yes_ , he did," jaebum pauses, every syllable pressing against his teeth too hard. he wants to close his eyes, but he doesn't. scared of what he'll find again in the dark. it's better to stay awake, he thinks, no matter how awful it feels to feel. "... you both did."

"not any more than you've lied to us," youngjae says, and jaebum finds that there is nothing he can say to that.

youngjae waits for a moment, for two. he waits for something, for anything. when it becomes clear that nothing will come of the silence, he lets go of jaebum's hands. already, jaebum mourns the loss. youngjae pulls himself up onto his feet and shoves his hands into his coat pockets.

"you're not being fair," he tells jaebum, and jaebum looks up at him, his handsome, tired features contorted into something indignant. something angry, something confused, in utter disbelief, guilty and upset. "not to yourself, or to jinyoung, or me.

i'll wake him up," youngjae says, one foot out the door, "then we can talk. the three of us."

he leaves the door ajar behind him. jaebum's stare flickers from the ten-floor drop to the way back in, again, again. he sighs, gets up onto his feet.

the lock of the door clicks shut.

* * *

all the lights are on when he comes back home. he finds jinyoung sitting on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, and youngjae setting three glasses and a pitcher of water down on the table. jinyoung turns around to see him. jaebum loves the surprised, wide-eyed look on his face. the worry between his eyebrows, the hurry with which he gets up off of the couch to walk over to him. jinyoung wraps his arms tight around jaebum. he figured he'd return the way he said. still, he's happy that he doesn't have to grow old and forget jaebum's name.

jaebum finds that he can't do anything but stay absolutely still.

jinyoung doesn't say anything about the smell of cigarette in his hair, the ashes on the hem of his sleeves. he pulls back, and tentatively, he leans forward to press their lips together.

still frozen in place, jaebum sighs. jinyoung kisses him, and again. kisses his jaw, his ear, his neck. he pauses for a beat, waiting for something. like another four heartbeats, or the complete rupture of a vein. nothing happens, and so jinyoung takes jaebum's hand and leads him to the couch. 

"what happened?" jinyoung asks, worry lines pulling across his skin again when he sees the burn mark on jaebum's hand.

jaebum says nothing, and so jinyoung brings his hand to his mouth and presses a kiss against the inch of hurt skin. jaebum tries not to think of where jinyoung's mouth has been, tries not to think of youngjae and fire escapes and unlocked doors and cigarettes falling to the floor. he's tired, and so he inches closer and rests his head on jinyoung's shoulder. he shuts his eyes and all the world drops dead.

a quiet passes. the stars go waltzing out in blue and red. and arbitrary blackness gallops in. a beat, then another. jinyoung and youngjae looking on, waiting patiently. jaebum breathing, uneven no matter how hard he tries to follow a rhythm.

"let's talk," jaebum says. he lifts his lids and all is born again.

he looks at jinyoung, at youngjae, and thinks he made them up inside his head.

> **_i dreamed that you bewitched me into bed_ **  
>  **_and sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane._ **

**Author's Note:**

> also completely ripped entire lines off of mad girls love song to prove my point and the point is that jaebum has seven capricorn placements in his birth chart


End file.
